TV-B-Gone

Following on from the recent blog discussion on TV - though I admit to owning a TV (which I normally only watch either with a DVD or on Sunday evening, when I feel too tired to do anything more productive), I found the following advert amusing:

I found it in a Catholic book catalogue from America:

You're in the waiting room at your dentist. You've almost had it with the TV blaring the soft-porn soap opera One Life to Live and then it's time for a commercial...The proverbial "straw" has just broken the camel's long-suffering back! This is when TV-B-Gone is at its best. Discreetly point TV-B-Gone at the target TV and press the button - presto! - TV turns off...It may be THEIR TV, but it is YOUR MIND and YOUR SOUL. Which is more important?

If you're interested in buying one, make sure you get the relevant model (European or American) and visit their website. I wish there was a similar gadget to turn off piped music, especially in pubs and restaurants!

The True Spirit of Christmas

Christmas Linebacker

Add to My Profile More Videos

This great video comes via fanatholic - I think every parish should be policed by a 'Christmas Linebacker' who puts the 'Christ' back into 'Xmas.'

In Praise of Saki

Today's Telegraph reminded me that last Tuesday (14 November) saw the 90th anniversary of the death of H.H.Munro (better known by his pen name 'Saki'), who rivals Oscar Wilde as one of the wittiest authors produced by this country. He had joined the army during WWI, despite being over age, and was killed by a German sniper as he hid in a shell crater. A comrade had alerted the enemy to their presence by smoking and Saki's last recorded words are said to have been: 'put that bloody cigarette out.'

As a modest commemoration of Saki, I include below a few of my favourite quotes:

'Isn't there a bishop or somebody who believes we shall meet all the animals we have known on earth in another world? How frightfully embarrassing to meet a whole shoal of whitebait you had last known at Prince's! I'm sure in my nervousness I should talk of nothing but lemons. Still, I daresay they would be quite as offended if one hadn't eaten them. I know if I were served up at a cannibal feast I should be dreadfully annoyed if anyone found fault with me for not being tender enough, or having been kept too long.'

'People may say what they like about the decay of Christianity; the religious system that produced green Chartreuse can never really die.'

'Every reformation must have its victims. You can't expect the fatted calf to share the enthusiasm of the angels over the prodigal's return.'

'The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened. It's only the middle-aged who are really conscious of their limitations - that is why one should be so patient with them.'

Euro-English

Some light relief for Tuesday morning: an Anglophile German friend of mine sent me the following, which made me chuckle as I was sipping my morning coffee:

The European Commission on Languages has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

The Wit of Adrian Fortescue

Greetings from the Diocesan Archives! As I speak we have four people looking at the papers of Adrian Fortescue (1874-1923), the great polymath priest, writer and liturgist. They're hoping to organise a local exhibition in Letchworth. His letters are written in beautiful script and are full of wit. Some time ago I started transcribing them - I didn't get too far but here's one example (blog exclusive!):

To Canon Edwin H. Burton at St Edmund's College, Ware (20 September 1902)

I have been missing you horridly at breakfast, though the salutary vision of you fully vested & waiting with lacerating meekness in my sacristy when I rolled out of bed has not yet lost its effect. The nuns (little pink daughters of the penitent thief) are here now; so I get up at 7am, like an early Christian martyr. Sister Joanna Baptista of the Pinnacle of the Temple L.P.D. of P.T. (the she-superior) is a Tartar & won’t stand no fooling, nor can I imagine her waiting meekly as you did, though she would wear vestments like a shot if I let her. This order is an entirely new idea of my Rector at the German Church (a Bohemian monomaniac): its originality consists in the fact that the members go to the Sacraments several times during the year, abstain from fleshmeat on all Fridays, & endeavour generally to cultivate a spirit of Christian virtue & untarnished morality. These proceedings are rightly supposed to be very gratifying to the better nature of the penitent thief – hence the order’s name.

Also they have 15 little boys, so that when you come at Christmas you shall have no lack of servers. They sing Vespers in the evening in what purports to be the Latin tongue, Sister Philipina Canaria (of the way to Jericho) wearing a cope & a Roman missal, from which she tells me that she always sings Vespers.

They have given me a picture of a gentleman whom I recognise as that illustrious prelate the present incumbent of the Roman bishoprick: I am informed that if I look at it in the proper spirit it will give the pontifical blessing – a striking sight which I am naturally anxious to enjoy. Hitherto I have not succeeded in convincing it of my spiritual propriety. I have told it all the things that I think it would like to hear – that I am dead nuts on Encyclicals, that ubi Petrus ibi the whole show, that Roma locuta est (she never stops) nulla salus est (I hope I haven’t got this mixed); I have even said polite things about its fel. Rec. predecessors of the X & XV centuries; alas, in vain! It hasn’t once burst into: Sit nome Domini benedittumme [sic]. When you come I hope you will start it: it can’t doubt your propriety of spirit!

Note: Fortescue was a loyal Roman Catholic but he was proud to be English and certainly was not unduly Ultramontane, hence his tongue-in-cheek humour regarding the Holy Father.

What a Relief!

But then I felt a bit nerdy doing this test in the first place.

(H/T to Mulier Fortis)

Festal Drink

Every Liberal's Worst Nightmare

(Picture courtesy of sueddeutsche.de)

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Just Published...

Virgin Birth Insurance

The BBC reports that since 2000 three sisters from Inverness, Scotland have insured their virginity in case they immaculately conceive Our Lord as He makes His Second Coming. If this happened they could claim £1 million - 'they say if Christ came again they want to give him a lifestyle commensurate with his status and the money would pay for that.' Luckily, Britishinsurance.com has withdrawn the cover, following protests from the Church.

What a weird, confused world we live in!

World Cup 2010?

The captain of the Vatican City prepares for kick-off at their World Cup debut

Permanent Deacon

Another highlight of my German pilgrimage was a visit to the majestic Benedictine monastery of Ottobeuron. Here is a photo of one of the saints enshrined in the abbey church - I forget his name, but he was the deacon of Pope St Stephen I (r.254-57), and on the other side of the church is his companion, the Pope's subdeacon. As you can see, his remains are dressed in a rather fine dalmatic and he holds a burse. His crown indicates that he was a martyr. He is truly a 'deacon for ever' - reminding us that Ordination is not just an inauguration but a ceremony that changes who someone is.